I’m at the gym.

Resting after mildly pushing myself.

I know it’s not the best excuse, but I’m feeling a bit sluggish today.

I look down at my phone,

skipping over songs until I find something I like.

When I look back up,

I spot a familiar face.

She’s a PhD student I’ve been collaborating with.

We’ve been working together for a couple of weeks now,

but I know nothing about her.

We skip over any small talk in our meetings.

The atmosphere is always tense,

And it’s not one of those meetings you can just passively listen to while scrolling on your phone.

She dominates most of the conversation,

And it’s great because she gets everything done,

but there’s absolutely no room to crack any jokes.

Come to think of it,

I’m not even sure if I’ve seen her smile before.

I look away where I’m just outside the danger-zone of eye contact.

But my eyes keep glancing back.

Something is pulling them in her direction.

Her clothes aren’t particularly colorful,

but something’s vibrant.

Her headphones are snug around her frizzy hair,

Her arms are in the air,

And she’s swaying side to side in coordinated synchrony.

She’s dancing.

And it’s not the dancing I do at the gym where I discreetly rock my head back and forth—

enough to enjoy my music,

but not enough to be noticed.

No one can hear the music that’s possessed her movement,

but everyone in the gym can see it.

Her movements are frictionless.

And for the few seconds she’s dancing in her small corner of the gym,

the whole world revolves around her.

When my eyes slowly refocus on her face,

I’m taken aback.

This isn’t the same colleague I see in meetings.

Everything about her is outside the context of how I know her—

She’s smiling.

—

My dad’s always been the leader of our family.

He’s always enforced the Korean hierarchy of respect since my brother and I were younger,

which means my brother and I would always greet him at the door when he came back from work.

We’d wait to eat until he took the first bite,

and talking back would bring the stick out.

But he also did everything a dad should do.

He’d give us really good advice about anything we’d ask him,

and to all the questions that elementary school me would throw at him,

He knew all the answers.

So growing up, I believed no one was smarter and stronger than my dad.

No one dared disrespect or talk back to him.

But one of the first times we visited his family in Korea,

I watched in horror as his older brother pinched my dad’s cheek with one hand,

Squeezed his butt with the other,

And started calling him a "fat piggy."

Sure, there was a time my dad was overweight.

But that was over 40 years ago when he was in elementary school.

His brother is about twice his size now.

The three little pigs

I didn’t recognize this part of my dad.

It was outside the context of how I knew him.

I smiled as I watched my dad have no choice but to let it happen.

—

Once you get to know Eric deeply,

you’ll notice some of his sweet sides.

But I admit it’s hard to spot by just looking at him.

He’s 6’2” (rounded up) and has a pretty scary resting face.

Even after living with him for three years, whenever I look over at him,

I’m still often stuck between the "is he mad at me?" and the "wow, he looks really relaxed."

About a year ago, I had the chance to stay with his family in their home for a couple of days.

At school, Eric’s known to be pretty blunt and cold at times.

But at home, I noticed his resting face was a couple tones brighter.

He’d smile and laugh a lot more in his interactions with his mom.

And to his sister,

who’s a couple years younger,

His words were sweet and affirming.

And maybe it had to do with being back in his hometown.

There’s something uniquely relaxing and comfortable about being in the place where you spent the most formative and vulnerable years of your life.

One afternoon, he was driving me around his neighborhood when we took a sudden detour.

He spotted his favorite ice cream place,

And told me I had to try it.

With spoon-in-mouth,

I was able to get a glimpse of the Eric that existed before I ever met him.

banana split

I didn’t recognize this part of Eric.

It was outside the context of how I knew him.

I smiled as I reached in for a bite before he could get to the rest of it.

—

Jonah is not a very physically affectionate guy.

He’s thoughtful and sweet in many different ways,

but I’m lucky to even get a handshake from him.

Sometimes, I’m a little scared he might lash out whenever I go for a pat on the back.

And it makes sense—

Some families are less "touchy" than others.

But the first time I met his parents,

his dad shouted "bring it in for a big one, boy" as he engulfed Jonah in a big bear hug.

His mom quickly joined in, referring to him as "my Jonah."

Now of course Jonah didn’t reciprocate the hug,

standing there motionless,

but I realized there definitely was no shortage of physical affection in his family.

I was also wrong to think that Jonah’s hatred for junk food stemmed deep in his family.

Turns out it’s just him.

Jonah’s dad reaches for another peanut butter cup

As I stood there watching Jonah’s family wrapped around him tightly,

I didn’t recognize this part of Jonah.

It was outside the context of how I knew him.

But I smiled as I (more confidently) reached in for a pat on the back.

—

Whether it’s intended or just the nature of being in the context itself,

Each context reveals something new about someone.

In lab meetings, my PI is a fierce academic.

But at the grocery store, I see her as an affectionate wife, with her arm casually hooked around her husband’s.

And the shy guy in his fifties at my tennis club.

The only sound I’ve ever heard him make was when I accidentally hit him with the ball during practice.

But during the week, he’s a professor who stands in front of hundreds of students every week.

And the same hand that my brother used to “discipline” me in the past,

also lovingly wraps around his girlfriend in a display of “affection.”

And my cousin—

who in my head is still stuck in the context of the little girl who loves her stuffed panda called “Cutie”—

travels around the world now leading and directing music for her a capella group.

whiffenpoofs

—

Some of the people I know exist in just one context.

There’s friends I’ll only see during class and we’ll always say hi, sometimes talk about hanging out, but never follow up.

There’s also a lot of people at church who I really enjoy talking with,

But it’s limited to just the two hour block we have together on Sundays.

And some friends I’ll always see at the gym no matter what time of day I go,

But never anywhere else.

But the trend I’ve noticed is that with all of my closer friends,

I’ve seen them moving through many different contexts.

Derek and I used to live together, and whenever his door was slightly ajar,

I couldn’t help myself but to take a quick peep into his room.

Sure enough,

he was either reclining in his chair playing poker or taking a nap in his bed.

But every Friday night,

he’d switch into the talented leader of our church’s worship team—

At the front of the stage with a guitar and mic, serenading us with his perfect pitch.

And if you ever meet Grace, you’ll know she’s always lighthearted and cheerful.

She loves talking about the triple cream brie cheese from Wegmans and the new discount at Kung Fu Tea.

But I’ve also run into her many mornings in Philip’s Hall,

where I’m reminded that she’s one of the most hardworking engineering students I know.

She’s usually holding her bright pink coffee mug—

a sign that she got minimal sleep the previous night.

She’ll probably take a nap on the second floor sofa later, energizing herself to design just one more circuit,

Before heading back home to indulge in her egg tart.

And I occasionally spot Matthew at the dining hall in his bright red, plaid pajama pants.

You probably don't want to stand behind him in line,

Because he never leaves any bacon for the rest of us.

But sometimes he’ll put his nice dress pants on,

where he switches into an intelligent, charismatic law school student who often inspires me with his writing.

And Caleb.

He loves to give brain teasers over lunch (when Jonah and I just want to eat).

But when we got lunch with his parents, we finally saw him on the other side—

stumped by a brain teaser given to him by his parents (how to be nice to his girlfriend).

“So if you have 3 red balls and 2 blue in a bag...”

And some people are really special because they can bring out aspects of others that I can’t bring out myself.

No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to bring out that same lighthearted side of Elisabeth that only Melody can bring out.

Nor can I elicit the same laughter from Grace that comes from a uniquely Derek-coded joke.

So when these people are there,

their presence itself becomes a context in which our interactions are mutually enriched.

Derek cracks another joke

—

Every time I see someone in a new setting or doing something I wouldn’t expect,

It gives me an opportunity to see them in a new light.

And some of these contexts are shinier than others.

I find myself a lot more boisterous in some contexts,

And noticeably quieter in others.

There’s contexts where I don’t quite feel like I belong,

Where I just want to switch back to what’s comfortable.

But recently, I’ve been more intentional about trying to merge some of my contexts together.

I’ve started cracking some more jokes during lab meetings.

I’ve started explaining some CS research papers I read to my dad.

I’ve started getting dinner with people from church throughout the week.

And the more I switch between these different contexts,

The more the lines between each of them starts to blur.

It’s no longer as clear where my role in one context begins and where it ends.

But I realize that’s where I can understand myself the best.

I start to find the parts of myself that don't change between each context,

but the parts that remain constant despite them.

And I think that’s why I like seeing other people this way too.

From the contexts where they shine the most,

to the ones that glow a little less—

Each part comes together to help me better understand the whole.

Because after all,

It’s all the same person.

Just a little unexpected,

And a little out of context.